A duck walks into a bar....

Dr. Mojo admits a weakness for jokes about musicians. Let's collect a few -- such as, "How do you get a bass player off your porch?" The answer: Pay him for the pizza.

A duck walks into a bar....

Postby dcblues » Wed Jun 10, 2009 3:15 pm

A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender 'listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something'. The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out. The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: 'listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: 'Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I want to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want'. The duck considers his offer for a moment and says 'so you're a circus owner, right?' 'Right' 'And your circus is one of those big tents, right?' 'Right.' 'With a sandy arena in the middle?' 'Yes' 'And with rows of seats around?' 'Correct' 'So what the f**k you need a bricklayer for?
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby jellyroll baker » Wed Jul 29, 2009 7:16 am

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer, eats the toastie and leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and excited by the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds attending and the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman" whilst smiling and acknowledging the tributes of the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, me old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd goes silent as the the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses await in stunned silence. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with cheers as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, waves to the crowd and leaves....


...NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who had only served 4 drinks that night, 3 of which were his) calls time. As he is cleaning down the empty pub, he sees a small white form floating above the bar "Who are you" he queries

"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house" comes the reply.

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Crowds came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman says "On your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never returned - what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"OH NO!" said the barman,"what from?"

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

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"MIXIN-ME-TOASTIES"
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby 1armbandit » Wed Jul 29, 2009 6:59 pm

Jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says "now don't you start anything!"


Jack
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby dcblues » Wed Jul 29, 2009 7:58 pm

A guy walks into a bar.

A baby seal walks into a club...
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby jellyroll baker » Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:21 pm

A baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and asks "what'll you have?"

Baby seal looks around and says "Anything except a Canadian Club on the rocks".
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby dcblues » Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:46 pm

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.

Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby beard-of-grey » Mon Aug 31, 2009 10:19 am

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.


An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"

and the oldest one of all

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!" :mrgreen:
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby Spiritinthesky » Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:25 am

I love the duck joke!
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby mike932 » Sat Oct 03, 2009 7:55 pm

A Duck, a Skunk , a Frog and a Giraffe walk into a Bar and order drinks. The Barkeep says "which one of you critters is going to pay for the drinks ? "
The Skunk says "I only have a scent"
The Frog says "I only have a greenback"
The Duck says " I only have a bill"
The Giraffe says"Looks like the highballs are on me"
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Re: Bird hunter & is dog walk into a bar...

Postby birddog » Sun Oct 04, 2009 2:03 am

They walk up to the bar, the bird hunter set on a stool & his dog jumps up on the stool next to him.
"Hey, wait a minute" says the bartender. "Your dog can't set at the bar".. "Why not ? he don't bite" replies the bird hunter
Bartender says "he better mind his own business"
So the bird hunter ordered a beer and sat and drank his beer while the dog, sat on the stool and was licking his penis & nuts.
Guy down at the end of the bar sat watching the bird hunter & his dog and says "Man shure wish I could do that" looking at the dog.
Bird hunter replies "You probably can but you better pet him first" :lol:
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby thunda1216 » Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:22 pm

A bass player walks past a bar...

It could happen!
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby Slacker G » Thu Dec 31, 2009 2:54 pm

A prospector walks into a bar in a remote mining town in Alaska after 6 months alone in the hills. He orders a bottle of whiskey and after a few drinks he asks the bar tender if there are any women in this town. The barkeep says "No" But I'll show you what we've got. So he leads him out the back door, and there he sees a corral full of pigs. The prospector asks "Are you kidding me" The bar keep says "No" Everyone does it. The Mayor, the chief of police, and everyone." The prospector say I'm sorry I can't do that" And he buys a couple of bottles of whiskey and leaves town.

Six months later he comes to the same town. After a few drinks he asks "Are there any women in this town? The barkeep says "No" But I'll show you what we've got. So he leads him out the back door, and there he sees a corral full of pigs. The prospector asks "Are you sure everyone does this?" The bar keep says "Yes" everyone does it. The Mayor, the chief of police, and everyone." The prospector says I'm sorry I still can't do that" Then he buys a couple of bottles of whiskey and leaves town.

A year later the prospector comes into town and goes into the bar. After a few drinks he asks "Are there any women in this town? The barkeep says "No" But I'll show you what we've got. So he leads him out the back door, and there he sees a corral full of pigs. The prospector asks "Is this for real?" The bar keep says "Yes, everyone does it, the Mayor, the chief of police, and everyone." The prospector asks "Are you sure?" The barkeep says yes. So the prospector points out a black and white spotted pig and says. "I'll take that one. He rents a room and takes the pig into the room. He downs a bottle of whiskey, looks at the pig and thinks. I just can't do this. So he goes out and buys a big pink ribbon and ties it around the pigs neck. After staring at the pig for a couple hours, he decides he still can't do it. So he puts the pig under his arm and heads downstairs to the bar. On the way down the stairs everyone starts jumping out the windows and doors and others turn over the tables and hide behind them. The startled prospector almost in shock, asks the barkeep "What's wrong ? What's going on?" " What did I do?"
The barkeep replied. "That's Black Bart's girl."
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby ricochet » Thu Dec 31, 2009 3:08 pm

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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby mr T » Tue Jan 26, 2010 8:23 pm

a man walks in to a bar and says ,ill have a pint of guiness ,the barman gives the man a bowl of peanuts to enjoy while hes waiting for his pint,,,,,he grabs a handful of nuts and as he puts them in his mouth a little voice says,please sir,im a friendly nut ,and i hope you enjoy eating me ,i taste delicious,the man completely freaked out said,im fukin losing the plot here ,,,he put the nuts back and went to buy some cigarettes from the machine,,he pulled one from the packet and as he raised it to his lips ,the cigarette said ,,go on smoke me i hope you get cancer and die you piece of shit,,,,,,the man was stunned,his face dropped ,the barman placed his pint on the counter,and said r you alright sir,,he said the ,the ,the nuts ,and the cigarettes spo,,,before he could finish his sentence the barman said ,,ohhhhhhhhhh yes,he said let me explain,,,,,,the nuts are alright ,,,,but the cigarette machines out of order,
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Re: A duck walks into a bar....

Postby ricochet » Wed Jan 27, 2010 2:16 am

Sounds like the nuts were complimentary.
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